San Diego County
Co-Dependents Anonymous

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

The following checklist is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependency. It may aid those who have been in recovery a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.


Denial Patterns:

Codependents often. . .
     ·    have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.
     ·    minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.
     ·    perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
     ·    lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
     ·    label others with their negative traits.
     ·    can take care of themselves without any help from others.
     ·    mask their pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
     ·    express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
     ·    do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.


Low Self Esteem Patterns:

Codependents often. . .
     ·    have difficulty making decisions.
     ·    judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
     ·    are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
     ·    value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
     ·    do not perceive themselves as a lovable or worthwhile person.
     ·    constantly seek recognition that they think they deserve.
     ·    have difficulty admitting that they made a mistake.
     ·    need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
     ·    are unable to ask others to meet their needs or desires.
     ·    perceive themselves as superior to others.
     ·    look to others to provide their sense of safety.
     ·    have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
     ·    have trouble setting healthy priorities.


Compliance Patterns:

Codependents often. . .
     ·    are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
     ·    compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
     ·    put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
     ·    are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
     ·    are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
     ·    accept sexual attention when they want love.
     ·    make decisions without regard to the consequences.
     ·    give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns:

Codependents often. . .
     ·    believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
     ·    attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
     ·    they freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
     ·    become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.
     ·    lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.
     ·    use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
     ·    have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
     ·    demand that their needs be met by others.
     ·    use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.
     ·    use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
     ·    refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
     ·    adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
     ·    use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
     ·    pretend to agree with others to get what they want.

Avoidance Patterns:

Codependents often. . .
     ·    act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.
     ·    judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
     ·    avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
     ·    allow their addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.
     ·    use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
     ·    diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
     ·    suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
     ·    pull people toward them, but when they get close, they push them away.
     ·    refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than themselves.
     ·    believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
     ·    withhold expressions of appreciation.

The Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.